Speaker Best Practices: Non-Critical

​When I work with individuals and couples, I often invite them to take some personal responsibility by observing the roles they play in the communication cycle. At any given moment we are either a speaker—someone asking for something—or a listener responding to what has been shared. When we pause to notice which role we are in, it can help us communicate more intentionally and with greater awareness of how our words affect the other person.

One important best practice for a speaker is learning to be non-critical when asking for something. A helpful structure is a simple statement that includes an emotion, a situation, and a need: “I feel ___ about ___, and I need ___.” For example, “I feel overwhelmed about how busy our evenings have been, and I need a little help with dinner this week.” Statements like this keep the focus on our internal experience rather than evaluating or criticizing the other person. Communicating this way requires humility because it acknowledges that we are coming from a place of need rather than accusation.

Ironically, our shame often nudges us in the opposite direction. Instead of admitting, “I’m in need,” it can feel more self-protective to point out what the other person isn’t doing. But when a need is expressed through criticism, something unintended happens. The listener often experiences the criticism as their own problem to solve or defend against, which creates a new need within them—usually the need to protect themselves. In that moment, the original need of the speaker can easily get lost. The next time you notice that you need something, try using this practice: name your feeling, describe the situation, and clearly express your need without criticism. Then pay attention to the response you receive—you may find it leads to a much more productive and supportive conversation.